What The “Happy” Bride Isn’t Saying

I received plenty of feedback from my recent post, “What Your Bridesmaids Aren’t Saying” and decided it’s about time to represent my Brides.

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For all you beautiful, blushing Brides forcing smiles when that bitchy Bridesmaid picks out prostitute shoes for your outdoor ceremony…I’ve got you covered.

* Please note, this list is much smaller than my previous Bridesmaid-centered rambling for one simple reason. The Bride is (almost) always right. Bridal party members should keep their head down, their mouths shut and march on! *

What The “Happy” Bride Isn’t Saying

1. You may not like that the pleats on your Bridesmaid dress make your ass look big, but guess what? It’s my day and I’m supposed to look hot. The focus won’t be on your ass any way.

Shut the fuck up and work that dress.

2. No one understands more than I, that you have been waiting for your  boyfriend to propose for years. But make it known to that d-bag that if he pops out a ring at my wedding…I’ll kill him. It’s not murder if he had full warning and chooses to die.

I’m footing the bill for this party, that means you don’t get to hijack it.

3. Do not look like a hooker. Unless you are a hooker…in which case, be you.

No hooking before the toasts.

4. You are my favorite, most loved friend. We have shared in so many great adventures. Now just imagine that all those floral appointments and food tastings I drag you to are actually great lady nights full of wine and sweaty man muscles.

It will all be over soon. Bear with me.

5. It is your sole responsibility as my Ladies at Arms to make me look good. Whether that means: Explaining away my fit of hysteria at the reception, Pulling me aside before the ceremony for a last minute curl touch up, Or even just dabbing away the happy tears your toast caused so my mascara doesn’t run. Keep me looking beautiful.

You’ve always been my wing-woman in the battle of single-hood. My wedding day is where shit gets real.

6. Do not sleep with/make-out with/feel up or puke on my future-husband/brother/father/father-in-law/grandfather. I say this because it happens.

I love you but booty-calls with my family are not okay.

7. I realize that I have been a horrible, monster of a Bridezilla but one day I will return to that loving person you once knew and there will again be peace in the kingdom.

Until then, just picture yourself as a General in my ninja Bridesmaid army. Do your time and you will be greatly rewarded in Heaven…with wine…and maybe Chris Hemsworth.

Mmm. Chris Hemsworth.

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Freakin’ Fabulous Friday Freebie – Dirty Pictionary

Yes. It has been a very long time since I offered a Freebie. But give me a break. I have a life too, homies!

Remember when I told you what a huge success the Dirty Pictionary game was at the recent bachelorette party I hosted? (Check all the details out here.)

Well, here’s your key to making such an easy (totally sweet) game work for you. Print off these Dirty Pictionary Clues, cut and throw them in a hat/bowl/Pimp cup or whatever roundish container you have available. Drag out some paper and a sharpie. Boom. Dirty Pictionary is born.

Dirty Pictionary Clues

CAUTION! This is a VERY adult game full of sex, sex and more sex. I highly recommend it for bachelorette parties, nights out with the girls, sex toy parties and even divorce parties.

Even though I’ve mentioned mostly female get-togethers, let me warn you that if you play this game at a Unisex party, the boys will get VERY competitive. In fact, the Bride who’s bachelorette party I hosted, is planning on playing the game at their upcoming Christmas party!

Again, this game is awesome and watching a bunch of men draw “Nipple Tassels” while their friends are yelling “Lactation!” will make for one of your all-time Life Highlights.

Let me know what you think!

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Bachelorette Party Planning

The Big Wedding has come and gone. But before I get into all of that, I thought I should catch you up on all of the Bachelorette madness.

Remember these?

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The invite definitely set the tone for the evening. (Purchase your version here)

We started at a hotel in the center of town chosen because of it’s full kitchens and great views. The Bachelorette party met in my room where jello shots and Drunken Strawberries covered the countertop. (Recipe for Drunken Strawberries can be found below.)

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The Recipe for Drunken Strawberries is simple but a hit at every party. A large package of fresh strawberries + An entire bottle of Chocolate Vodka. Combine both in a large bowl. Cover. Refrigerate for 24 hours. When the liquor has taken on a pink tint and smells like jell-o, the strawberries are ready. Drain the liquor (set aside for shots later) and pat dry each berry. Display properly and BRAG about your Vodka Infused “Drunken Strawberries!”

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I bought a mix of Mardi Gras beads for the ladies since I did not know everyone personally AND was the DD, so in order to make sure I didn’t leave anyone behind, I counted beads.

We played a couple of games while everyone arrived. One of my biggest petpeeves is going to an event and 1.)Staring awkwardly in silence at people I don’t know OR 2) Playing lame games to pass the time.

So I broke out the two best of my time-tested Bachelorette Games. (I had a third game planned just in case one flopped…but neither did.)

First, The Perfect Husband game.

I handed out small containers of play-doh which were purchased at Target for $5. Each lady was told to close her eyes and imagine the perfect husband for the Bride. They were then given a minute, still with their eyes closed to mold the perfect husband. Ofcourse most of the time, the play-doh figures became tiny figures with giant wieners. Sometimes the figures were simply penises with no bodies. After a few drunken strawberries the play-doh men became more and more disfigured…and their weiners became larger and larger…

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Next we opened some presents to give the last stragglers some more time to make the party.

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Finally, we played the best game of the night, Dirty Pictionary. (The game was such a hit during our Pre-Game festivities at the hotel, that we ended up meeting up with the Bachelor party later and playing for hours into the morning!)

The rules are the same as classic Pictionary, each team picks a random topic and must draw it out. The topics were everything from “lingerie” to “strap on” to “Debbie Does Dallas.” Hilarious. Simple. And party favors for the Bride in the way of awesome hand-drawn art!

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We then gathered the ladies in our strictly enforced Black Dress attire and dined at a fancy sushi restaurant. Eventually, we made it to the swanky cocktail bar next door where we engaged in an hour long game of “Never Have I Ever.” If you’re not familiar, each lady goes around the table and says, “Never have I ever…” and inserts some embarrassing event in their friend’s lives. For instance, “Never have I ever gotten drunk and woken up next to someone I didn’t know.” The ladies at the table who have had that embarrassing experience then must take a drink. Soon the stories become raunchier and the drinks become less full. And suddenly you know much more about your friends and family than you ever thought you would!

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Next, we ventured to a karaoke bar that had already closed for the night (for shame!) and then to the best beer bar in the city for a meeting with the Bachelor party.

The boys were toasted. The girls were sloshed. Chaos ensued.

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Soon we found ourselves back at the hotel engaged in a long and vicious game of Dirty Pictionary in which I found myself racking my brain for every dirty word and slang term I had ever heard of. “The Shocker.” “Two Girls and A Cup.” “Scissoring.” Good Lord, the game went on and on!

In the end, the girls had a great time and eventually got to bed around 4am. I slipped out around 8 to get home to my baby and husband. All and all the night was a success. And if the Facebook pictures and status updates were any indication, the girls had a great time as well.

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A special shout out to Keri of She’s With The Band Photography for the better shots of the party provided above!

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What Your Bridesmaids Aren’t Saying

Dear Bride,

Please pay attention to these top ten gripes I’ve compiled from hours of Bridesmaid bitch sessions.

Love,

The rest of us.

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1. Weddings are stressful. We get it. If you need something from us, just ask. We cannot read your mind. We also do not want to get stabbed on your wedding day because we did not purchase the correct shoes.

Please be clear and concise in what you expect from us.

2. Weddings are expensive! While we would love to do all those fun activities you always pictured in that 80’s wedding montage you have constantly playing in your head…we cannot afford a full-on spa weekend. We also may not be able to afford a bridesmaid dress, plus specific shoes, plus getting our hair, nails and makeup done the day of.

Please be understanding and accommodating when it comes to cost.

3. Your wedding is special. It’s important. It’s fucking time consuming. We have other shit to do. We will try our best to make all of those dress fittings, gift openings, bachelorette activities, bridesmaid luncheons and family showers…but we may just not get there.

Please understand we too have lives.

4. Speaking of showers, you do not need more than two showers. You are not the Duchess of Cambridge. You are important but not that important.

No more than two showers.

5. The bridesmaid gowns you have been envisioning may look hideous on real people. Don’t fixate on the Pinterest pictures, please. When you are ready to commit to a dress, please try it on for yourself as well as seeing your girls in it. Until you have worn a dress, you will never truly appreciate what your girls are going through.

Try on for yourself any bridesmaid dress you are considering.

6. We have stuff going on in our lives too. Not every conversation should be wedding related.

Please don’t make us dread your wedding.

7. As we all grow up, our schedules get more and more complicated. Waiting until the last minute to provide information to your bridesmaids is incredibly inconsiderate. If you do not have the time to get us the information we need to make your special event happen, then don’t be dissapointed when we haven’t ordered our dress in time because you text us the night before the payment is due.

Get us all the important dates WAY in advance.

8. Thank you cards and Thank you gifts are imperative. Spending $200 on a dress, $50 on shoes, $40 on hair, nails, makeup etc is par for the course. But when the Bride doesn’t even acknowledge the effort we put into looking great for your big day, it’s incredibly frustrating.

Acknowledge the love we’ve been showing you. Otherwise you may find yourself standing up there alone.

9. Do not ever think it is okay to tell your Bridesmaids they cannot be pregnant at your wedding. Literally one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard is a Bride telling her Bridesmaids they cannot have children until AFTER her wedding.

Again, you are important. We love you. But you get a special day. DAY. Not 9 months.

10. This is ridiculous, but someone has to say it. Feed your bridesmaids! For the love of God, feed us! It’s not fair to expect us to be there early in the morning for hair, makeup etc without some snackies. Or to make us wait for hours between the rehearsal and the required dinner. Everyone loves a Bride who supplies mimosas and finger foods.

We put up with alot. Throw your girls a sandwich and some booze occasionally.

Now go be a Badass Bride.

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New In The Shop

Check it. I have managed to rally up some new items in the shop recently. My favorite is the bachelorette invitation at the bottom  but be advised, it is for adults…so don’t be flashing this sucker at the youngins.

First up, NEW activity sheets for your littlest guests at that upcoming baby shower. These can be modified to most themes, just contact me.

Preview of “Baby Boy Stork Activity Sheet”

Preview of “Sarah's Activity Sheet”

 

Just print on any standard letter size sheet of paper and you’re ready to go.

Next is the Bachelorette Invites designed for the upcoming Bachelorette Party hosted by yours truly. But hey! You can buy them here!

Preview of “Bachelorette Flyer”

 

The trick is, you fold this 15×7″ file into three 5×7 sides. The first reads “An Epic Night For Cock” and just when your guests are completely shocked and disgusted by your appallingly crass sense of humor… you make them feel ashamed for their dirty mind. Oh you meant cocktails…(awkward silence)…

Oh and yes, the Bride’s name is written is wieners. Ofcourse it is.

ALSO, check me out on Instagram! I know I’m pushing it hard lately but it’s depressing how few followers I have…sigh…@theaffairshop

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Frenchy French Bridal Shower – Finale

And so it is finished. The Frenchy French Bridal Shower has finally come and gone. I. Am. Exhausted.

Below is the overall, blow by blow of my grocery lists and projects created for the event.

It was one of the more expensive events I’ve hosted in a very long time but like I’ve referenced in past posts, I chose to shoulder the planning and costs myself due to extenuating circumstances. But I will reemphasize that if you are able, do not be a mautyr and think you need to do the same. Ask for help! It makes things so much more enjoyable. Never the less, the event was a huge success and we received rave revues!

Thinking of planning your own Wine themed bridal shower? Take a gander below and be amazed by the details.

Preview of “Frenchy French Bridal Shower”

The stats:

45 Invites Sent Out all over the country (check them out here and in #1 above)

25 RSVP’s

20 Women who actually showed

26 favors bought

20 spirited away as they left

6 hours spent at the shower for prep, hosting and clean up

endless hours of planning. endless.

invitations cost me about $50-60 to have printed. this was due to the multiple parts and fancy envelope labels. but they came out great.

The food:

6 Bottles of wine (*A dark spicy red blend, *A standard merlot, *A light sweet chambourcin from a local winery, *A dry chardonnay, *A light pinot grigio, *A sweet Apple Wine from a local winery) with 4 more on standby

2 Giant Beverage Dispensers of Lemon Water and Cucumber Water (1/2 a cucumber sliced, 3 lemons sliced)

3 Containers of fresh Strawberries (sliced)

3 red apples (sliced into 1/8’s) with 2 extra for backup

3 pears (sliced into 1/8’s) with 2 extra for backup

1 large bunch of dark seedless grapes (break into smaller bunches but try to keep them in groups. think Cesar and slave girls.)

1 Brick of Bittersweet Chocolate (chopped)

1 Brick of Dark Chocolate (chopped)

2 plates of Blackberry Goat Cheese Bruschetinni (ingredients listed below. recipe here.)

Blackberry Goat Cheese Brushatini
Blackberry Goat Cheese Brushatini

2 long French Baguettes (sliced into 1/2 inch pieces. buy the baguettes. it’s cheaper to buy giant baguettes and slice then buy the pre-sliced. like $3 cheaper a loaf.) 2 more loafs for backup

1 jar of Blackberry Preserves (my husband explained the difference between ‘preserves’ and ‘jam’ are the seeds. seeds are good in this case. go with the preserves.)

1 container of standard Goat Cheese (don’t splurge. no one will notice. just look for the tubes in the cheese department.) with one extra container for backup

1 Container of fresh Blackberries (whole)

**The cheeses listed below were all cut during my prep work the night before and even the day of. The soft cheeses should not be cut until they are just ready to be served. The others should be done earlier to make the line go faster and the plates look cleaner as guests finger everything.**

2 blocks of Dubliner Cheddar (by definition it’s not French but you have to throw some guests a bone and get something not so smelly.)

2 blocks of Gouda (go with a light, not so smelly gouda. again, for those guests intimidated by the smelly.)

2 blocks of a Canadian Cheddar (again a bone thrown to the non-smelly crowd.)

1 block of Gorgonzola (go full on smelly. people who love gorgonzola freakin love the smell.)

2 wedges of French Brie (think super soft, super smelly and super frenchy. go big.)

2 wedges of Triple Cream Cow Cheese (fully smelly but oh so good.)

2 blocks of Drunken Goat Cheese (this was a french goat cheese I found on sale. I tried some and the taste was mild enough I knew it wouldn’t offend too much.)

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Triple Cream, Gorgonzola and Brie cheeses served on a chilled marble platter. Slices of pears and apples freshly cut compliment the fruitier wines.

1 small container of a variety of olives from Whole Food Market

1 small creme brulee cheesecake with a second on standby (I know a guy. I don’t know if you know a guy…but you should start finding cheesecake people to know. otherwise I would never invest in cheesecake for an event. let alone two cheesecakes! the second went home to my family to reward them for putting up with the shower project clutter for weeks on end.)

1 box of frozen (Yes! FROZEN!) creme puffs (80 for 6.99 at Sam’s. amazing. and the vanilla filling went great with the darker wines.)

3 boxes of crackers in a variety of shapes, seasonings etc (don’t overthink it. nobody else will.)

2 variety packs of Italian meats – prosciutto, dry genoa salami, capocollo (I bought these about a week prior at Sam’s for about $9.99 each. totally worth it and they stay fresh for about a month in your fridge.)

the total cost of the food was approximately $300. (I don’t want to talk about it.)

The decor:

2 white balloons to alert visitors (I had planned on one giant white balloon but ofcourse they didn’t have any come the big day. also, I was advised by the balloon people that on hot days, balloons will explode. so put them out about 15 minutes prior to the party.)

1 free standing chalkboard sign for the entryway (see it here and in #4 above)

1 decopage recipe card box for the Bride to Be’s new recipe collection (see it here as well.)

1 “Yay!” banner created by yours truly (the whole banner cost about$15 to create but is something I can reuse for other events. a full tutorial to follow shortly.)

1 bouquet of flowers (arranged and selected by me. It’s so much cheaper to do flowers yourself! pick out 2 groups of pretty filler flowers on the cheap and add in a couple colorful buds with big impact. think hydrangea or lillies.)

1 roll of kraft paper ($2.99 for a huge roll. atfirst the plan was to make individual signs for each cheese, wine, fruit etc. eventually I realized that was way too labor intensive. I spread the kraft roll over the table and doodled around each bottle of wine a brief description of its flavor profile. I then put arrows and squiglies to foods and tasters that would compliment each of the wines. this was so much easier then signs and gave the “fancy cheese tasting” a bit of casual flair.)

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Kraft paper provided the easiest labels ever.

a slew of small and large white serving platters (I hate mixing up colors for serving trays. stay all one color or do a variety of glass serving wear when doing different foods. consistency ties the whole place together.)

a Mr. & Mrs. banner for the cake (found this on sale at Michaels last year. perfect for these kinds of occasions.)

small, clear plastic cups

small, clear plastic plates

clear plastic silverware

tiny appetizer forks (a gift from my mother which I still am amazed with and feel like a giant when using)

a variety of pretty napkins (people look at napkins. people do not give a crap about fancy plates or silverware. people love napkins. I stash napkins away as I find them onsale at fancy kitchen stores. hoarder? …maybe.)

a blue, wooden crate with handles to hold the favors (this was actually purchased for my new office but was pulling double duty.)

all in all about $100 on decor and party supplies.

Genoa Salami and Organic Seedless Grapes
Genoa Salami and Organic Seedless Grapes

The favors/prizes:

the favors were cookie cutters in shapes related to the couple (guitars, hearts, dog bones etc. i printed and cut individual “Thank You for Coming” tags and tied them to the cutters with thin lavender colored ribbon. see #2 in the collage above.)

the game prizes were a mix of wine tote bags with sassy sayings like “drinks well with others,” seasoned olive oils and frenchy notecard sets

all together I spent…$16 on game prizes and $20 on favors for the entire crowd

The games:

Honeymoon Babies – I requested the Bride and Groom send me head shots of themselves. I then edited and cropped the photos to fit on a 4×6 card (but specifically I needed the faces the same size and the ears lined up). I then evenly cut the 4×6 photos into 4 strips (horizontally). I bullied guests into taking the strips of the couples’ faces and creating a composite of what they believed their future child would look like. Some of the faces were hilarious. I had them sign the back and the Bride chose her favorites. The two favorites won prizes!

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Future babies of the couple!

He Said/She Said – I created a list of 20 questions and sent them to both the Bride and the Groom. I requested that they not share their answers before sending them back to me. I then chose thirteen of the questions that had the funnies and cutest answers. I created a game sheet with mustaches on the left for the Groom and bows on the right for the Bride. The guests had to go through the list of questions and answers and guess who answered what. The trick was to make the answers say “He/She” or “Eric/Suzan”. Whoever had the most answers correct won another prize! (see #5 in the collage above)

Bridal Bingo – 5×7 bingo cards designed by me (purchase here). Each guest filled in the empty squares with what they believed the bride had been gifted. As the gifts were opened the guests marked off their boxes until they could yell “Bingo!” I had three prizes for this game so as to keep people involved and excited. Some were so competitive they kept playing long after the prizes were gone. (see #5 in the collage above)

printing the games cost about $10. easy.

The party was a huge success. The Bride and her family had a great time. The friends drank, laughed and ate some great food.

I received a huge amount of compliments on the overall event and people were still buzzing about the Blackberry and Goat Cheese Bruschetini the next day (check out the super easy recipe here). The Bride’s Facebook page was filled with comments about the shower and how much everyone enjoyed eachother (and the food).

Overall, I’m not sure there is much I would have changed. Everyone had a great time but more importantly, the Bride was happy.

And that’s all you really want from any shower.

Chunks of Godiva "Twilight" Bittersweet Chocolate offset the Chardonnay, strawberries and cheeses in the background.
Chunks of Godiva “Twilight” Bittersweet Chocolate offset the Chardonnay, strawberries and cheeses in the background.

SPOILER ALERT: I have recently promised to host another shower at the end of next month so expect many new adventures to follow. The event brainstorming has already begun but will not be including (too much) wine due to the shower being in honor of one of my favorite Mommies-to-Be!

Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook and Twitter for more updates, pictures, projects and freebies!

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